Fathers Day 2020
I sit at the computer well past everyone's bedtime staring at the screen willing the words to come into my head. I knew this day was coming, I knew I wanted to write something for Fathers day. There are a million things I want to write, but it is all a jumbled mess. Lets see how this goes. Forgive me.
My examples growing up of fatherhood were my mom's stepdad, and my own dad. My mom's stepdad was an angry man, I don't have one loving memory of him. As terrible as it sounds I never mourned when he passed. He and I didn't get along. My memory is that he hated me. I don't know if that's entirely true or not, but that's how I remember it.
My own dad was a workaholic. From my perspective growing up, I resented that. Our relationship was mixed. He did make it a point to be at basketball games and practices on the weekends, or baseball things. But he worked 60ish hours a week for forever. That didn't leave a whole lot of family time. From an adult perspective I understand that he felt he needed to work to provide for his family. I don't resent that anymore.
Coming from the background and the time period that my dad, and many of your dads, came from - I didn't hear "I love you" very often. My wife remarks at how seldom she hears me say it to either of my parents. It just wasn't something we did growing up. I assume it's because it was just something he didn't do growing up.
My dad wrote me a note once, maybe 15 years ago, and he told me how proud he was of me. It's one of my most cherished possessions. He signed it "I love you, dad". Every time I think of that note my eyes well up with emotions.
Why is it so hard, as men, to express how we feel towards others? I tell my kids all the time that I love them. I tell them (not often enough) how important and beautiful and special they are. Maybe its because I come from a different generation. Or maybe it's because I don't want my kids to wonder how I feel. Maybe it's because I am a father of daughters.
A little over 2 years ago my dad was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma. Most likely due to smoking for a long time, or breathing in things throughout his life that weren't known to be bad until now. It's been a long road blessed with miracles and being able to reconnect with him. As an adult I understand now that my dad was doing what he knew best to take care of his family. That's what men were supposed to do, provide financially. I think that somewhere along the line things have changed a little.
For nearly 6 years I stayed home with the kids and Shawna was the sole income. There were lots of reasons why this fit with our family. But (as I've said in previous blog posts) there were a lot of older men in my circle who just couldn't fathom why I would want to change diapers instead of working my fingers to the bone. The American man's dream is to work as much as you can, eat, and sleep. As one man put it "the wife takes care of the kids". I also heard "I told my wife to get the kids out of our room so I could sleep". I wanted to say "but your wife needed sleep as well..." but I knew that it wouldn't be heard.
If the year 2020 has taught us anything, it's this. We should be prepared to change even the most mundane things about our lives in an instant, nothing is set in stone. It has taught me to reevaluate what is important. Money is not important, at least it shouldn't be our number one priority. Our families and our relationships with others are far more important than money. I will say that this is coming from someone who has never been in a place where I have had to choose between paying a bill or having food in the house. I guess what I am saying is that in 50 years, whats going to be more important - the money we make today, or the relationships we make today?
There are some of you reading this that don't have a father. Either they left before you can remember. Or they have passed on. There are also some that had an abusive father. I am deeply sorry for that. I am sorry that the most prominent man in your life has hurt you in ways that should never have been allowed. I see the look on my little girls faces anytime I have yelled a little louder than I should have and that breaks my heart. I can't imagine the pain you have been through.
There are some of you who have a dad who is the best. I can think of a handful of dads that I know that just seeing the interactions with their children warms my heart. They are an awesome example of what it means to be a dad.
There are some of you who are being both dad and mom to your children. While I believe that kids need both their parents in their lives for one reason or another, I also understand that sometimes its not possible. Being a single parent is something I have never, and hope to never, had to do. I can't imagine what the immense weight of responsibility you feel. Whether you think you are doing a good job or not - you are. Just being there for your kids when the other parent wont or can't is a tremendous thing.
One thing my dad taught me is to be looking for places where I can help. When I was little it was shoveling sidewalks or mowing lawns. If I see someone struggling with reaching something in a store I offer assistance. I don't do it out of obligation, or for praise. It was instilled in me. Now that I am older and have my own remodeling business, I take on the jobs that others don't want. I am my only employee and I am not the sole breadwinner in the house so I can work with my customers a little on price where others who have more overhead can't. I also love the jobs that only take a few hours. It makes my schedule open so I can take the kids to appointments or to school. And those kinds of jobs just aren't easy for a full time contractor with a crew of 4 or 5 guys to do. As I think more about it, this is exactly what my dad would do.
I'll end this rambling mess with this. Let's make 2020 a year of change. Le'ts face it, that's all its been since January anyways! Let's make relationships as important as they should be. Don't misunderstand, I'd never advocate being in a volatile relationship. But those relationships in your life that you deem the most important - give those relationships the priority and time they deserve. Be that with your parents, spouses, children, or any relationship at all really. I am going to work on making the relationship with my father the best it can be while he is here on this earth. And yes, first thing tomorrow I will tell him I love him!
Thanks for reading.
