Fathers Day 2020

Fathers Day 2020

I sit at the computer well past everyone's bedtime staring at the screen willing the words to come into my head. I knew this day was coming, I knew I wanted to write something for Fathers day. There are a million things I want to write, but it is all a jumbled mess. Lets see how this goes. Forgive me.

My examples growing up of fatherhood were my mom's stepdad, and my own dad. My mom's stepdad was an angry man,  I don't have one loving memory of him. As terrible as it sounds I never mourned when he passed. He and I didn't get along. My memory is that he hated me. I don't know if that's entirely true or not, but that's how I remember it.

My own dad was a workaholic. From my perspective growing up, I resented that. Our relationship was mixed. He did make it a point to be at basketball games and practices on the weekends, or baseball things. But he worked 60ish hours a week for forever. That didn't leave a whole lot of family time. From an adult perspective I understand that he felt he needed to work to provide for his family. I don't resent that anymore.

Coming from the background and the time period that my dad, and many of your dads, came from - I didn't hear "I love you" very often. My wife remarks at how seldom she hears me say it to either of my parents. It just wasn't something we did growing up. I assume it's because it was just something he didn't do growing up.

My dad wrote me a note once, maybe 15 years ago, and he told me how proud he was of me. It's one of my most cherished possessions. He signed it "I love you, dad". Every time I think of that note my eyes well up with emotions.

Why is it so hard, as men, to express how we feel towards others? I tell my kids all the time that I love them. I tell them (not often enough) how important and beautiful and special they are. Maybe its because I come from a different generation. Or maybe it's because I don't want my kids to wonder how I feel. Maybe it's because I am a father of daughters.

A little over 2 years ago my dad was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma. Most likely due to smoking for a long time, or breathing in things throughout his life that weren't known to be bad until now. It's been a long road blessed with miracles and being able to reconnect with him. As an adult I understand now that my dad was doing what he knew best to take care of his family. That's what men were supposed to do, provide financially. I think that somewhere along the line things have changed a little.

For nearly 6 years I stayed home with the kids and Shawna was the sole income. There were lots of reasons why this fit with our family. But (as I've said in previous blog posts) there were a lot of older men in my circle who just couldn't fathom why I would want to change diapers instead of working my fingers to the bone. The American man's dream is to work as much as you can, eat, and sleep. As one man put it "the wife takes care of the kids". I also heard "I told my wife to get the kids out of our room so I could sleep". I wanted to say "but your wife needed sleep as well..." but I knew that it wouldn't be heard.

If the year 2020 has taught us anything, it's this. We should be prepared to change even the most mundane things about our lives in an instant, nothing is set in stone. It has taught me to reevaluate what is important. Money is not important, at least it shouldn't be our number one priority. Our families and our relationships with others are far more important than money. I will say that this is coming from someone who has never been in a place where I have had to choose between paying a bill or having food in the house. I guess what I am saying is that in 50 years, whats going to be more important - the money we make today, or the relationships we make today?

There are some of you reading this that don't have a father. Either they left before you can remember. Or they have passed on. There are also some that had an abusive father. I am deeply sorry for that. I am sorry that the most prominent man in your life has hurt you in ways that should never have been allowed. I see the look on my little girls faces anytime I have yelled a little louder than I should have and that breaks my heart. I can't imagine the pain you have been through.

There are some of you who have a dad who is the best. I can think of a handful of dads that I know that just seeing the interactions with their children warms my heart. They are an awesome example of what it means to be a dad.

There are some of you who are being both dad and mom to your children. While I believe that kids need both their parents in their lives for one reason or another, I also understand that sometimes its not possible. Being a single parent is something I have never, and hope to never, had to do. I can't imagine what the immense weight of responsibility you feel. Whether you think you are doing a good job or not - you are. Just being there for your kids when the other parent wont or can't is a tremendous thing.

One thing my dad taught me is to be looking for places where I can help. When I was little it was shoveling sidewalks or mowing lawns. If I see someone struggling with reaching something in a store I offer assistance. I don't do it out of obligation, or for praise. It was instilled in me. Now that I am older and have my own remodeling business, I take on the jobs that others don't want. I am my only employee and I am not the sole breadwinner in the house so I can work with my customers a little on price where others who have more overhead can't. I also love the jobs that only take a few hours. It makes my schedule open so I can take the kids to appointments or to school. And those kinds of jobs just aren't easy for a full time contractor with a crew of 4 or 5 guys to do. As I think more about it, this is exactly what my dad would do.

I'll end this rambling mess with this. Let's make 2020 a year of change. Le'ts face it, that's all its been since January anyways! Let's make relationships as important as they should be. Don't misunderstand, I'd never advocate being in a volatile relationship. But those relationships in your life that you deem the most important - give those relationships the priority and time they deserve. Be that with your parents, spouses, children, or any relationship at all really. I am going to work on making the relationship with my father the best it can be while he is here on this earth. And yes, first thing tomorrow I will tell him I love him!

Thanks for reading.

Love

The timing of this post, and you reading it, is no accident...

It's been on my heart for years, and I have even put pen-to-paper a few times on the subject. I have had a yearning to speak about it again for the last few days. We do not have internet at our house yet, but the stars aligned today and I was able to sneak away and leach internet off of Shawna's parents.

Today is February 13th. This day so many years ago I asked my wife to marry me just before a "sweethearts" dinner. This is also the date of our third daughters birth. But this isn't the date so many of you think of when you hear the word love. That's tomorrow.

Many of you hate Valentine's day. Many of you live for it. And many of you have such high expectations for this one lonely day of the year that you will be depressed by tomorrow evening.

Maybe I can help.

God loves you.

There, I've said it. Let it wash over you. Stop rolling your eyes... It's true. God loves you.

His love for you never changes. He won't give you coal at the end of the year. He won't make you sleep on the couch because you snore. He won't make you ride in the back seat because you haven't showered in days either.

I can list a thousand reasons that our fellow humans use to determine whether or not they love us. But I can't find a single one that would cause God to say He will deny me His love.

Whether you feel worthy of love or not, it's there for you.
Are you Gay? God loves you...
Are you straight? God loves you...
Are you poor? God loves you...
Are you rich? God loves you...
Are you a criminal? God loves you...
Are you a terrible parent? God loves you... <whew>
Have you had an abortion? God loves you...
Have you done some things that make you feel unworthy? God loves you, and says you are worthy.

See, God loves us without condition. I don't know about you, but that's huge for me. I drank quite a bit in college. I smoked a little pot in college. I <deep breath> dated a cousin for a while in my teens... I smoked cigarettes for almost two decades. I was addicted to some unsavory websites for a while. I am a broken human. All of the things I listed are things that other humans may use as a condition for loving me. To be truthful, some of those things were secrets until now. Look down on me if you want, that's your choice. I know there is no condition on Gods love. I am thankful that I am worthy of His love only because He says so. I could never do anything to "earn" it. I just have to accept it.

I heard on the radio yesterday that saying the words "thank you" out loud and feeling grateful releases dopamine and serotonin. Apparently that makes us feel happy.

Listen, God wants us to be happy. God wants us to be successful. God wants us to know He loves us. But, God also wants us to love others. I have always liked the story of the "good samaritan". Twice in the last year I have heard more about the story than I ever knew. Jesus knew what He was doing when the religious scholar asked him what he needed to do to have eternal life. Its in Luke chapter 10.

Understand first that this "road" the story talks about is more like a pathway that winds through mountains. Robbers attacked a man and left him naked and for dead. First a priest comes by. The bible says the priest walked by on the other side of the road. One way I heard it told was that the priest most likely had to step around or over this man. The next person to come by also avoided helping. Lets back up for just a second. The man who was robbed and beaten was walking from Jerusalem to Jericho and was most likely a Jewish man. The priest was most likely a Jewish man. The Levite was a Jewish man. Plot twist, here we go... The third man that came by was a Samaritan man. He took pity on the man that was beaten and left for dead. He cleaned him up, bandaged him, and put some oil on his wounds. He went a step further by putting him up in an inn and paying for the bill while the man got better. The Jews and Samaritans didn't like each other. They hated each other. For Jesus to tell a Jewish scholar that in order to have eternal life he had to love his neighbor - and then tell him that the Samaritans are his neighbor... Mind blown....

That should tell each and every one of us something.

We.
Are.
Called.
To.
Love.
Everyone!!!!!

Stop placing conditions on why you love someone, or why you think they are unworthy of love. Here's the thing, whether you love them or not, God does.

Let me circle back around to the beginning. Valentines day is a holiday where we buy things for people we love. Generally its the sappy kiss kiss kind of love we celebrate. That's fine. It just got me thinking about all of the years I went depressed and forgotten. If you are one of those people who will be alone tomorrow, maybe sulking because you've been turned down for the umpteenth time - take a deep breath. You are important. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are being prepared for something so great you can't even grasp it yet. You are worthy.

Where do we get our identity?

I've been reading a lot lately. And by a lot, I mean that I've probably read more books in the last few months than the previous 300 months....

I get on these kicks, usually I get bored with real life and dive into science fiction books to dream of how different life can be. Arthur C. Clarke is my favorite author. He has a way to totally immerse you into his books. I read nearly 10 of his books before I got to the point where I ran out of his books. He died in the last decade, leaving me without any new material to read. I started branching off to some books written by co-authors, but without Arthur's insight and editing, they weren't as good.

So I started reading some "Christian" books we own. I really like Donald Miller. He writes in the same dialect that I think in. We have owned his book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" for a while, but neither Shawna or I had read it. It's a pretty self centered book, but that's how he writes. He calls it memoir writing. This book talks a lot about the process of making one of his other books ("Blue Like Jazz") into a movie. What I liked most about it is how his real life changed during the process. He started to understand that to find meaning in life he had to write "a better story".

I find parallels between my life and Donald's life, whether they are real or fake memories of mine. He grew up without a father, mine thought he got his identity through working an insane amount of hours. My father's generation are hard working man. Unfortunately that meant that between work and sleep, there wasn't much time for family. My dad and I have a wonderful relationship, I just wonder how different things would have been back then, with the wisdom he now possesses of what's important.

Donald went through his teens, 20's, and some of his 30's as a "serial dater". Dating a girl until it got too comfortable, then trying to control the relationship until it wasn't healthy anymore. He talks about how he would bring up marriage and futures full of children way too early in a relationship. I imagined myself checking off that box of similarity. Most of my relationships would be me chasing a girl like a puppy, but I also thought about the future I just had to have with a girl way too early in a relationship.

I just finished his latest book called "Scary Close". It continues his journey of self discovery. He met a girl who wasn't satisfied with his dating antics. She had to get to know him, and he had to want to be known to be with her. He discusses in this book where we get our identity from. Most people (myself  included) get our identity from our success. I am a great employee. I am a good father. I am a decent husband. I am a terrible motivator. All these phrases shape who I think I am. The next paragraph is what this blog post, all the previous rambling, is about....

My identity is not defined by me, or by the things I accomplish. It's taken me 38 years to figure this out.

4 years ago I left a career that I hated to be a stay at home parent. My previous identity was "model employee". I worked for that company for the better part of 10 years. I climbed the ladder quickly, and did well. I was paid pretty well for the area. But i sensed there was more. I didn't want to pay half my income, from a job I started to loathe, to someone else to raise my children. I felt then that I made a huge sacrifice. In reality it would have been more of a sacrifice for keeping to stay working and have my wife leave her career. Hindsight... Anyways, for those 4 years, my identity has been "stay at home dad". At first the older men, my father included, thought I fell and bumped my head. They just couldn't understand how a man could betray all of manhood and raise children. I don't have some of the equipment necessary to raise babies, but I was born to do this.... I absolutely love being a dad, and watching my children learn and grow. Until recently I would have thought my identity was "dad".

A few months ago I was in a funk. We're floundering financially, and I knew I was the reason. A man was supposed to provide.

And

I

Wasn't...

At least not financially. So I began doing odd jobs when I could. And reading.

What I finally realized, way too slowly, is that I don't get my identity from anything of this world. Be it people, a job, or even a dream of what I want to be when I grow up. God gives me my identity. It may sound dorky, but God created me, he formed me in my mother's womb. God created me to be a dad, a good employee, a great husband, and the list goes on. But I can't get wrapped up in preconceived notions on what I should or should not be from a worldly perspective. There are always going to be people who wonder why I actually chose to change diapers instead of doing almost anything else. There are always going to be people who give me a Superman cape for the same reason. I didn't do it to be a hero, well I like it when my kids think I am, but that's different. I also didn't do it to shove a sharp stick in the eye of "the man". I did it because it was what I thought was the best decision for my family, and the aversion I had for my career.

Now what? This recent epiphany makes me realize I never really knew who I was. My identity was always wrapped around a job, or a girl, or a situation. My closet is full of never-to-be-worn-again masks. Who will I be now that I have no mask to hide behind?

I suppose now would be a good time to start asking God about that. It's funny, I told my wife I was going to meet with the pastor today for prayer about an upcoming job opportunity. She looked at me like I had 3 heads. Apparently I took her by surprise that I would seek prayer.

This job has all the hallmarks of God's doing. I was in a place I hadn't really intended on being. Stumbled on someone I used to know. He was in need of a new employee. The job sounds exactly like something I was going to start a business doing. Here's the thing, I always feel like there's a catch.... So I'm cautiously optimistic, and asked for prayer. Prayer that if the door has been opened by God, I'm smart enough to notice that. And prayer for my wife that if the door is closed by God, that she will allow me to live for a few more days...

I've been terrible keeping this blog up to date, I'll try to do better for the 3 of you that read it!

Homeschooling

This post was inspired by my wife, who gave me some homework this morning. On top of taking care of the kids and doing my actual schoolwork, she gave me homework..... This one time I'm glad she did. She teaches in a local community college, and I can't remember if she had to watch this YouTube video for work, or was doing it on her own. She probably said, but sometimes I only catch every other word. (she talks a lot, she would even say so)

Anyways, I typed "Sir Ken Robinson" into the search bar, and clicked on the video labeled "Do Schools Kill Creativity". Having a British accent, the guy is just naturally funny (to me anyways), but he is also brilliant.

Sir Ken Robinson, Do Schools Kill Creativity?

To summarize, he is basically saying that our public school systems are not unlike an assembly line, creating millions of the same minded individuals, and thus squelching creativity. Those who don't conform to the system usually end up with some sort of label, and typically get medicated so they can conform. One of his examples was of a ballet dancer that (in the 1930's) probably would have been labeled ADHD if it 'existed' then. By taking her to a school where she could learn the way she needed to, she rose to her potential.

What are we doing to our kids?

I can honestly say that, at 36, I have no clue where my life is headed. The certainties exist. I have a lovely wife, and two wonderful children. Beyond that, I don't know where this ship is sailing to. Sometimes it bothers me. In kindergarten we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. I don't remember my answer. All throughout school we are pushed in one direction or another. We have aptitude tests to find out where our passions lie. I am sure at one point, probably in high school, I knew what I was passionate about. But I was pushed in a different direction. I failed out of my first college. I worked full time and went to another college, where I also failed out. I have been working ever since and still don't have my loans paid off. I am not unintelligent. But I just wasn't being taught the way I needed to learn. Next month I graduate from college with a 2 year business degree. (For some reason I am getting emotional about it) Society says that we are worthless unless we have abbreviations after our name or some framed document stating our level of college completed hanging on our wall. I think the only reason why I am able to do any schooling right now is because it is online and self paced (for the most part). I will finish up with somewhere around a 3.7 GPA. I am learning the way I need to learn, not the way society pushes our kids into learning. There aren't just a couple ways that people learn, I think everyone learns their own way. Thus why we are even entertaining the thought of homeschooling.

Its a big step for someone to want to school their own children. Its a big time commitment, as well as taking lots of patience. Unless you have more than a handful of children, its a great way to connect with them and teach them on a one-on-one level. Some kids can progress on their own fairly quickly, other kids will need that one-on-one guidance. Our public system cannot provide that, its just not possible in our do-more-with-less culture. We have class sizes of 25. 25 unique needs and ways of learning and we expect one teacher to handle it. I don't even know if I can handle my two yet.
One other reason is that I want my daughters to excel where they want to. If they love math, lets do math. If they love to read, for pete's sake let them read! Our public system has our kids getting up earlier than their little brains can handle, sitting still for 6-8 hours a day, and then coming home to do hours of homework.

We wonder why they can't sit still in class. At 36 I can't sit still for more than a half hour without being bored, unless I'm doing something I'm passionate about.

One of the criticisms of homeschooling is that some kids lack the social skills of public school kids. I think everyone's definition of "social skills" is different. My children will learn (from either myself or my wife) to respect people. One of the buzz words now is bullying. For as long as there has been school, there has been bullying at school. Don't misunderstand me, I am not for bullying. I was bullied. I went through many years of being called gay (I cant remember why) and not having any friends because of bullying. Homeschool kids can be bullied as well, but its very unlikely. My kids can learn about bullying but not be bullied. And while it is true that some homeschooled kids aren't as capable of speaking or interacting in public the way that those of us who went to through the assembly line do, but who's to say that's a bad thing? My children wont learn about sex in third grade, at least not the way I learned about it. (by overhearing conversations on the bus). My children wont be propositioned to take drugs in fifth grade when they are really incapable of understanding what a mistake it could be. (yes, that's happening now) Not all 12 year olds are ready to learn about sex and drugs and whatever else the assembly line is teaching at that age now.

And before you ask, yes, my kids are vaccinated..... My wife and I didn't do it because Big Brother said we had to. We made the decision that it was what was best for our children. I bring this up because when asked the other day by someone who will remain nameless about schooling, they said "if you are homeschooling, why are you vaccinating?" Do I think people who are anti-vaccinations are crazy? Absolutely not. As parents we should be able to make that decision.

I don't have anything else to say right now, but definitely go check out Sir Ken Robinson!

Partnership Parenting

Some of you that know me well, may be a bit surprised by some of the things I am going to say, however I am going to say it anyways....

What does Partnership Parenting mean? In our household it means that my wife and I work together. Whether you like it or not, there are only two ways. Together or separate. Even at age two, our daughter Emerson will ask for something from her mother, and if she gets a "no" then she asks me. This is a pivotal moment in her growth as a child. If I give her a different answer, she will forever remember that she can play us, parent against parent.

Long ago, probably while Emerson was still in the womb, my wife and I made the decision to work together, to partnership parent.

Do we disagree? All. The. Time. We generally save that for when we are out of earshot of our children, if possible. I am over anxious. I feel my wife is just the opposite. My first go-to is discipline. Where my wife's first go-to is talking through things. We are the yin and yang of our small family. (Just to make you all feel at ease, I don't beat my children)

I don't know what I believe is the best parenting style. Mine is obviously discipline oriented, my wife's is not. Maybe it is because I am the parent that is here with the children all the time and she is the one who works. Or maybe its the way we were raised. Either way, it works for us. It may not work for everyone, but it works for us!

Edit:
I chickened out when I first posted this. The reason why I mentioned at the beginning that some people would be surprised by the post is that I don't believe parenting should be reserved for heterosexual couples. This isn't necessarily a "christian" way to think.
I came from a family that wasn't perfect, my parents had their troubles off and on, my dad even moved out for a short period. There are divorces in both my family and my wifes family.
I know a lesbian couple who have a child, I know many single parents, I know of gay couples with children. What matters most to the child isn't any of the baggage that we bring to the table, or our sexual orientation, its the love we provide. The only thing a child shouldn't have to worry about is if their parent(s) love them unconditionally. Sure there are times (just this morning in fact) that I was kicked out of bed at 4am and I was grumbling about it. But it doesn't change the way I love any of my family. 

Post number 1...

This isn't my first blog. My wife and I share one that we started around the birth of our first child. We also created one to sell our last house. My wife has her own blog now, so I figured maybe it was time to start my own as well. I am so full of stuff to share, some actual experiences I have had over the last two years as a stay at home parent, and some is useless knowledge.

A little background on me/us. My wife and I met somewhere around 15 years ago. We dated for about 4 years and then were married. The time in my life that I met my wife was a crossroads. If I hadn't met my wife when I did, who knows where I would be. I've always considered myself "christian", but at the time we met, I certainly wasn't acting like one. My wife centered and grounded me. I was eager to follow her wherever she led me. She led me back to Jesus. I know it sounds cliche, but its absolutely true.

I could take this blog post a number of ways from here, but I will just keep it on background. After dating for about 2 weeks, my wife's parents sat me down and asked what my intentions were with their daughter. See, I was 21 and she was 17. My wife's father told me that he remembered what was going through his mind at 21, and wanted to make sure that he showed me the door if that was what I wanted from their daughter. At 21, I certainly hadn't "sewed my oats", but I had been in numerous dead end relationships, and I saw something different in this girl (Shawna by the way). I didn't really tell them at the time, that I knew after our second "date" that she was "the one". I did tell them that if our relationship was to go further than dating in the future, that I would be more than happy to wait until she finished college.

Fast forward a few years. I realized that even though we both knew we would be married one day, that I hadn't actually asked her to marry me. I went to the local jewelers with Shawna, and we discussed her likes in engagement rings (what can I say, she is practical and I knew she would be happier having some say in what she would wear forever). Just before our church Valentines day dinner, I popped the question. Well sort-of... I just kind of handed it to her. She then nervously asked me why I wasn't on my knee. Even though we had been nearly inseparable for 3+ years, I was so nervous I couldn't speak, so my answer to that was just handing her the ring! Obviously the rest is history.

Fast forward a few more years. We had been living in a house we bought, gutted, and fully renovated for a few years when we decided that maybe we should have children. This was a major decision for us. For the longest time we had decided that we wouldn't have children because the world is a scary place. The world didn't become less scary to us, but we just knew we would be missing out on something big if we didn't at least try to have our own children. After 2 years of trying, we thought we just weren't capable. We decided to get a dog, which turned into 2 dogs. No, the dog didn't magically split in two, when we got there we decided that we just had to have both.

And not 6 months later we became pregnant.... It was certainly a joyous occasion. The pregnancy went well, and 3 days after Christmas my wife delivered a healthy little girl.... And then a year later we became pregnant again (its amazing how "things" happen when you aren't trying). My wife's second pregnancy went wonderfully as well, and delivered another healthy little girl. At this point, we have a 2 year old (2 years and 3 months to be exact), and a 6 month old.

The point of this blog is to give people an inside view of what it is like to be a stay at home parent. (After being a part of facebook groups on both sides, stay at home mom groups because there aren't many dad groups, and stay at home dad groups, I find that they are kind of discriminatory. I don't feel its any less, or any more difficult to be a stay at home dad, than it would be a stay at home mom, so I choose to say "stay at home parent".) So, I became a stay at home parent when I left my last job, which probably would have been the place that I either retired from, or killed me. Parts of the job were great, parts were so stressful that I'm not sure how I lasted as long as I did. I couldn't see spending half of my salary (or my wife's salary, but she liked her job) on child care, never see my kids, have someone else raising them, and still be as stressed out as I was. I am not saying that being a stay at home parent is easy and stress free, its just different stress. I get to see my kids learn, cry, smile, instead of making someone else money while making very little.

So, now that you have been mostly filled in as to where life has taken my family and I, hopefully you will share in our journey and keep reading. I promise that there will be more humor and emotion in subsequent posts!