I've been reading a lot lately. And by a lot, I mean that I've probably read more books in the last few months than the previous 300 months....
I get on these kicks, usually I get bored with real life and dive into science fiction books to dream of how different life can be. Arthur C. Clarke is my favorite author. He has a way to totally immerse you into his books. I read nearly 10 of his books before I got to the point where I ran out of his books. He died in the last decade, leaving me without any new material to read. I started branching off to some books written by co-authors, but without Arthur's insight and editing, they weren't as good.
So I started reading some "Christian" books we own. I really like Donald Miller. He writes in the same dialect that I think in. We have owned his book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" for a while, but neither Shawna or I had read it. It's a pretty self centered book, but that's how he writes. He calls it memoir writing. This book talks a lot about the process of making one of his other books ("Blue Like Jazz") into a movie. What I liked most about it is how his real life changed during the process. He started to understand that to find meaning in life he had to write "a better story".
I find parallels between my life and Donald's life, whether they are real or fake memories of mine. He grew up without a father, mine thought he got his identity through working an insane amount of hours. My father's generation are hard working man. Unfortunately that meant that between work and sleep, there wasn't much time for family. My dad and I have a wonderful relationship, I just wonder how different things would have been back then, with the wisdom he now possesses of what's important.
Donald went through his teens, 20's, and some of his 30's as a "serial dater". Dating a girl until it got too comfortable, then trying to control the relationship until it wasn't healthy anymore. He talks about how he would bring up marriage and futures full of children way too early in a relationship. I imagined myself checking off that box of similarity. Most of my relationships would be me chasing a girl like a puppy, but I also thought about the future I just had to have with a girl way too early in a relationship.
I just finished his latest book called "Scary Close". It continues his journey of self discovery. He met a girl who wasn't satisfied with his dating antics. She had to get to know him, and he had to want to be known to be with her. He discusses in this book where we get our identity from. Most people (myself included) get our identity from our success. I am a great employee. I am a good father. I am a decent husband. I am a terrible motivator. All these phrases shape who I think I am. The next paragraph is what this blog post, all the previous rambling, is about....
My identity is not defined by me, or by the things I accomplish. It's taken me 38 years to figure this out.
4 years ago I left a career that I hated to be a stay at home parent. My previous identity was "model employee". I worked for that company for the better part of 10 years. I climbed the ladder quickly, and did well. I was paid pretty well for the area. But i sensed there was more. I didn't want to pay half my income, from a job I started to loathe, to someone else to raise my children. I felt then that I made a huge sacrifice. In reality it would have been more of a sacrifice for keeping to stay working and have my wife leave her career. Hindsight... Anyways, for those 4 years, my identity has been "stay at home dad". At first the older men, my father included, thought I fell and bumped my head. They just couldn't understand how a man could betray all of manhood and raise children. I don't have some of the equipment necessary to raise babies, but I was born to do this.... I absolutely love being a dad, and watching my children learn and grow. Until recently I would have thought my identity was "dad".
A few months ago I was in a funk. We're floundering financially, and I knew I was the reason. A man was supposed to provide.
And
I
Wasn't...
At least not financially. So I began doing odd jobs when I could. And reading.
What I finally realized, way too slowly, is that I don't get my identity from anything of this world. Be it people, a job, or even a dream of what I want to be when I grow up. God gives me my identity. It may sound dorky, but God created me, he formed me in my mother's womb. God created me to be a dad, a good employee, a great husband, and the list goes on. But I can't get wrapped up in preconceived notions on what I should or should not be from a worldly perspective. There are always going to be people who wonder why I actually chose to change diapers instead of doing almost anything else. There are always going to be people who give me a Superman cape for the same reason. I didn't do it to be a hero, well I like it when my kids think I am, but that's different. I also didn't do it to shove a sharp stick in the eye of "the man". I did it because it was what I thought was the best decision for my family, and the aversion I had for my career.
Now what? This recent epiphany makes me realize I never really knew who I was. My identity was always wrapped around a job, or a girl, or a situation. My closet is full of never-to-be-worn-again masks. Who will I be now that I have no mask to hide behind?
I suppose now would be a good time to start asking God about that. It's funny, I told my wife I was going to meet with the pastor today for prayer about an upcoming job opportunity. She looked at me like I had 3 heads. Apparently I took her by surprise that I would seek prayer.
This job has all the hallmarks of God's doing. I was in a place I hadn't really intended on being. Stumbled on someone I used to know. He was in need of a new employee. The job sounds exactly like something I was going to start a business doing. Here's the thing, I always feel like there's a catch.... So I'm cautiously optimistic, and asked for prayer. Prayer that if the door has been opened by God, I'm smart enough to notice that. And prayer for my wife that if the door is closed by God, that she will allow me to live for a few more days...
I've been terrible keeping this blog up to date, I'll try to do better for the 3 of you that read it!
