Fathers Day 2020

Fathers Day 2020

I sit at the computer well past everyone's bedtime staring at the screen willing the words to come into my head. I knew this day was coming, I knew I wanted to write something for Fathers day. There are a million things I want to write, but it is all a jumbled mess. Lets see how this goes. Forgive me.

My examples growing up of fatherhood were my mom's stepdad, and my own dad. My mom's stepdad was an angry man,  I don't have one loving memory of him. As terrible as it sounds I never mourned when he passed. He and I didn't get along. My memory is that he hated me. I don't know if that's entirely true or not, but that's how I remember it.

My own dad was a workaholic. From my perspective growing up, I resented that. Our relationship was mixed. He did make it a point to be at basketball games and practices on the weekends, or baseball things. But he worked 60ish hours a week for forever. That didn't leave a whole lot of family time. From an adult perspective I understand that he felt he needed to work to provide for his family. I don't resent that anymore.

Coming from the background and the time period that my dad, and many of your dads, came from - I didn't hear "I love you" very often. My wife remarks at how seldom she hears me say it to either of my parents. It just wasn't something we did growing up. I assume it's because it was just something he didn't do growing up.

My dad wrote me a note once, maybe 15 years ago, and he told me how proud he was of me. It's one of my most cherished possessions. He signed it "I love you, dad". Every time I think of that note my eyes well up with emotions.

Why is it so hard, as men, to express how we feel towards others? I tell my kids all the time that I love them. I tell them (not often enough) how important and beautiful and special they are. Maybe its because I come from a different generation. Or maybe it's because I don't want my kids to wonder how I feel. Maybe it's because I am a father of daughters.

A little over 2 years ago my dad was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma. Most likely due to smoking for a long time, or breathing in things throughout his life that weren't known to be bad until now. It's been a long road blessed with miracles and being able to reconnect with him. As an adult I understand now that my dad was doing what he knew best to take care of his family. That's what men were supposed to do, provide financially. I think that somewhere along the line things have changed a little.

For nearly 6 years I stayed home with the kids and Shawna was the sole income. There were lots of reasons why this fit with our family. But (as I've said in previous blog posts) there were a lot of older men in my circle who just couldn't fathom why I would want to change diapers instead of working my fingers to the bone. The American man's dream is to work as much as you can, eat, and sleep. As one man put it "the wife takes care of the kids". I also heard "I told my wife to get the kids out of our room so I could sleep". I wanted to say "but your wife needed sleep as well..." but I knew that it wouldn't be heard.

If the year 2020 has taught us anything, it's this. We should be prepared to change even the most mundane things about our lives in an instant, nothing is set in stone. It has taught me to reevaluate what is important. Money is not important, at least it shouldn't be our number one priority. Our families and our relationships with others are far more important than money. I will say that this is coming from someone who has never been in a place where I have had to choose between paying a bill or having food in the house. I guess what I am saying is that in 50 years, whats going to be more important - the money we make today, or the relationships we make today?

There are some of you reading this that don't have a father. Either they left before you can remember. Or they have passed on. There are also some that had an abusive father. I am deeply sorry for that. I am sorry that the most prominent man in your life has hurt you in ways that should never have been allowed. I see the look on my little girls faces anytime I have yelled a little louder than I should have and that breaks my heart. I can't imagine the pain you have been through.

There are some of you who have a dad who is the best. I can think of a handful of dads that I know that just seeing the interactions with their children warms my heart. They are an awesome example of what it means to be a dad.

There are some of you who are being both dad and mom to your children. While I believe that kids need both their parents in their lives for one reason or another, I also understand that sometimes its not possible. Being a single parent is something I have never, and hope to never, had to do. I can't imagine what the immense weight of responsibility you feel. Whether you think you are doing a good job or not - you are. Just being there for your kids when the other parent wont or can't is a tremendous thing.

One thing my dad taught me is to be looking for places where I can help. When I was little it was shoveling sidewalks or mowing lawns. If I see someone struggling with reaching something in a store I offer assistance. I don't do it out of obligation, or for praise. It was instilled in me. Now that I am older and have my own remodeling business, I take on the jobs that others don't want. I am my only employee and I am not the sole breadwinner in the house so I can work with my customers a little on price where others who have more overhead can't. I also love the jobs that only take a few hours. It makes my schedule open so I can take the kids to appointments or to school. And those kinds of jobs just aren't easy for a full time contractor with a crew of 4 or 5 guys to do. As I think more about it, this is exactly what my dad would do.

I'll end this rambling mess with this. Let's make 2020 a year of change. Le'ts face it, that's all its been since January anyways! Let's make relationships as important as they should be. Don't misunderstand, I'd never advocate being in a volatile relationship. But those relationships in your life that you deem the most important - give those relationships the priority and time they deserve. Be that with your parents, spouses, children, or any relationship at all really. I am going to work on making the relationship with my father the best it can be while he is here on this earth. And yes, first thing tomorrow I will tell him I love him!

Thanks for reading.

Love

The timing of this post, and you reading it, is no accident...

It's been on my heart for years, and I have even put pen-to-paper a few times on the subject. I have had a yearning to speak about it again for the last few days. We do not have internet at our house yet, but the stars aligned today and I was able to sneak away and leach internet off of Shawna's parents.

Today is February 13th. This day so many years ago I asked my wife to marry me just before a "sweethearts" dinner. This is also the date of our third daughters birth. But this isn't the date so many of you think of when you hear the word love. That's tomorrow.

Many of you hate Valentine's day. Many of you live for it. And many of you have such high expectations for this one lonely day of the year that you will be depressed by tomorrow evening.

Maybe I can help.

God loves you.

There, I've said it. Let it wash over you. Stop rolling your eyes... It's true. God loves you.

His love for you never changes. He won't give you coal at the end of the year. He won't make you sleep on the couch because you snore. He won't make you ride in the back seat because you haven't showered in days either.

I can list a thousand reasons that our fellow humans use to determine whether or not they love us. But I can't find a single one that would cause God to say He will deny me His love.

Whether you feel worthy of love or not, it's there for you.
Are you Gay? God loves you...
Are you straight? God loves you...
Are you poor? God loves you...
Are you rich? God loves you...
Are you a criminal? God loves you...
Are you a terrible parent? God loves you... <whew>
Have you had an abortion? God loves you...
Have you done some things that make you feel unworthy? God loves you, and says you are worthy.

See, God loves us without condition. I don't know about you, but that's huge for me. I drank quite a bit in college. I smoked a little pot in college. I <deep breath> dated a cousin for a while in my teens... I smoked cigarettes for almost two decades. I was addicted to some unsavory websites for a while. I am a broken human. All of the things I listed are things that other humans may use as a condition for loving me. To be truthful, some of those things were secrets until now. Look down on me if you want, that's your choice. I know there is no condition on Gods love. I am thankful that I am worthy of His love only because He says so. I could never do anything to "earn" it. I just have to accept it.

I heard on the radio yesterday that saying the words "thank you" out loud and feeling grateful releases dopamine and serotonin. Apparently that makes us feel happy.

Listen, God wants us to be happy. God wants us to be successful. God wants us to know He loves us. But, God also wants us to love others. I have always liked the story of the "good samaritan". Twice in the last year I have heard more about the story than I ever knew. Jesus knew what He was doing when the religious scholar asked him what he needed to do to have eternal life. Its in Luke chapter 10.

Understand first that this "road" the story talks about is more like a pathway that winds through mountains. Robbers attacked a man and left him naked and for dead. First a priest comes by. The bible says the priest walked by on the other side of the road. One way I heard it told was that the priest most likely had to step around or over this man. The next person to come by also avoided helping. Lets back up for just a second. The man who was robbed and beaten was walking from Jerusalem to Jericho and was most likely a Jewish man. The priest was most likely a Jewish man. The Levite was a Jewish man. Plot twist, here we go... The third man that came by was a Samaritan man. He took pity on the man that was beaten and left for dead. He cleaned him up, bandaged him, and put some oil on his wounds. He went a step further by putting him up in an inn and paying for the bill while the man got better. The Jews and Samaritans didn't like each other. They hated each other. For Jesus to tell a Jewish scholar that in order to have eternal life he had to love his neighbor - and then tell him that the Samaritans are his neighbor... Mind blown....

That should tell each and every one of us something.

We.
Are.
Called.
To.
Love.
Everyone!!!!!

Stop placing conditions on why you love someone, or why you think they are unworthy of love. Here's the thing, whether you love them or not, God does.

Let me circle back around to the beginning. Valentines day is a holiday where we buy things for people we love. Generally its the sappy kiss kiss kind of love we celebrate. That's fine. It just got me thinking about all of the years I went depressed and forgotten. If you are one of those people who will be alone tomorrow, maybe sulking because you've been turned down for the umpteenth time - take a deep breath. You are important. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are being prepared for something so great you can't even grasp it yet. You are worthy.